I wanna die. But I dare not but I really hate being forced to do things that I suck at almost everyday.

Then when I come home I feel all tired but worried about the next day being stupid and clueless about everything again. And lonely. It's like I know what's wrong but I can't help but only freak out.
And online everyone is posting about doing homework and revising. But you know honestly? I still don't feel like it's normal to study. Like at home and self revision. And I just can't do it.
I don't like life. It's the same thing every fucking day. Which is one of my reasons I wanna die young. Then my mom always has to remind me "What are you? A student! A student's job is just to study! It's so easy!". Apparently if I'm already dying here being a student, wouldn't my future be much scarier and I'll just be stupider and stupider.

But seriously why do people want to live long... Life is just like that. How much more interesting can it get? Besides when you're old you can barely do anything... And I wouldn't want to have my own family cause it would probably crumble in my hands and children annoy the fuck out of me, and also I can't imagine being stuck to the same and only few people for the rest of my life. Sorry to come off as emotionless whatever but yeah. Life is just working... Either that or not working like me. Then being so freaked out that it's going so fast and everyone is working a gazillion times harder. Life scares me. I wanna end it. But death doesn't really seem less scary does it? What if I kill myself and someone stops me halfway or what if I fail death? Then I'll be like lying on the hospital bed or something in coma for don't know how long... It'll be such a waste of time. And space. It's the same as now anyway. I'm such a waste of space on this Earth. Waste of recourses and waste of time to even respond to. Probably after reading this, you'd be like "Lol that's all? What a waste of my time reading this barely suicidal note."

I'm not smart I'm not talented I'm not pretty gorgeous whatever I'm not even a nice friend.

I want to stay in a chalet alone for a week. Or sneak out to a beach at night. Also alone. I don't want to be around people I like/love and having them feel like, wtf is this why you bringing me here you are boring and you're not fun why you acting like you're so close to me lol are you like trying to bond with me? Man fuck off.

I don't want that so I wanna be alone. In fact nowadays I like being alone. Because when I'm with people, I feel like I'm so extra. So out of place. Like if they could bury me at that very moment for being so clueless about heir inside jokes and laughter, they would. It's just a formality that they hang out with me that kinda thing. I just want to die so I can save everyone the trouble of ever being angry or irritated for another second. And I don't have to continue feeling sad. Or tired. And useless. It's okay if I don't feel happy anymore. So long as I'm not feeling any worse about myself. So I'd rather be alone than left out. It's a horrible feeling, not to be part of anything.